Yesterday I was released from the hospital after being in there since Thursday. While being in there I had a few epiphanies.
The first, I am so lucky to have such caring parents and I need to stop taking them for granted. My parents are always there for me, yet I treat them like crap a lot. Part of that WAS regular teenage stuff, and part of it was my BiPolar-ness. Seriously, I scream at them sometimes for the littlest things. Soon after I feel terrible about it, but I still do it. I need to stop treating them like that because my parents are always there for me. Being in the hospital and seeing a lot of people having parents who didn't give a fuck (excuse my language) about them. I thought to myself, "How can you not care about your children? How can you tell your daughter that instead of her son dying it should have been her?? How can you pretend and act as if they never existed??" After hearing some truly horrible stories I realized how lucky I am.
Second, I need to stop talking myself into things. I tell myself I'll fail at something, and I do. I tell myself that I can't handle something and I end up breaking down. Most of my problems come from myself and that no one is to blame but me. I told myself it was going to happen and I made it happen. I have to stop being so negative all the time and just be positive.
Third, holding someone in a high esteem sets you up for disappointment and hurt. When you make someone to be something in your head when they're really not like that, it causes a lot of hurt. You say someone's perfect and you don't want to believe that they have any faults. And when they make the tiniest mistake it hurts so bad because you believed that they would never do anything wrong. You have to see them for who they are and see them as only human and humans make mistakes.
I'm not sure why I put balls in the title. It's my new favorite word. I use it all the time and most of the time I say it out of the blue. I'm weird like that, I guess. Me and my boyfriend say it to each other a lot, for no reason. So let me end by saying, BALLS!
Hospitals, Epiphanies, and Balls
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Posted by Pandora at 1:50 PM 0 comments
Engagement Ring
Monday, October 27, 2008
So, in April Kevin (my fiancé) gave me an engagement ring. He thought it was sterling silver but I found out later it wasn't. How did I find this out? Well, the ring started turning a copper color and turning my finger green.
Then, in June when he came to visit we bought matching rings. They we're so cute but one day at work I lost the stone to it. (It was a $15 ring) I was upset so I started wearing the other one. My finger is still green. =/
The other day I showed Kevin this ring. It was a Tiffany's knock off, meaning sterling silver but cubic zirconium. It was beautiful, absolutely gorgeous and Kevin said he'd buy it for me!!! I'm so excited!
I'm the type of girl that would rather have a fake ring than a real one. Why you ask? Well it's simple, I won't feel that bad if I lose the ring or something happens to it. Anyways, here's the picture of my ring:
Gorgeous isn't it?
Posted by Pandora at 12:07 PM 0 comments
Halloween
Saturday, October 25, 2008
So, my sister decided she wants to have a Halloween party at my house. She decided this a few weeks ago. I was freaking out because I wanted to be there but my work schedule is so unpredictable. I put in a request to have the night off but apparently a lot of people wanted the night off.
Today, I went in to pick up my check and check the schedule. I GOT HALLOWEEN OFF! I was so happy. But unfortunately, I don't know what I'm gonna be all I know is that I'm dyeing my hair purple. No, not my whole head purple but just where I had the blond highlights. I'm excited because I'm using Manic Panic and that's all my favoritest singer EVER uses. Yeah, I know it's stupid for me to be excited about that.
I think I want to be a dark faerie. You know, a sort of black outfit and dark wings. I just have to find something in my size. Or I could be an asylum patient. That would be pretty cool. I can't figure it out yet. =/
Leave comments and give me suggestions. =)
-END TRANSMISSION-
Posted by Pandora at 3:43 PM 0 comments
I Should Post More Often
Friday, October 24, 2008
I've realized that I forget I have a blog... Wow my "." key just popped off my keyboard... (Yes I did put it back on). Anyway, I tend to forget I have blog and don't write much anymore.
School has been so stressful. Life has been stressful in general. Between work, school, my fiancé and my family, life is pretty hard to keep up with. (I know I just ended a sentence with a preposition, shoot me) I've actually been struggling to keep it together but I always have one person I can count on to make everything better, and that is my amazing love, Kevin.
But yeah, I hope next semester is easier for me. I think I'll go crazy if it isn't. =/ But I love my Bio class semester so it makes everything better. lol I'm a complete nerd if you haven't noticed. It's my best subject, I'm doing better in that class than in English. I can be a total grammar nazi but it sucks because all we do is essays! The most annoying things in the world!! =/
Well, I think that's all for now. Bye bye. =)
Posted by Pandora at 10:50 AM 0 comments
Boredom.
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
I'm here at school. I'm really bored. My next class starts in 20 minutes and I'm listening to some music.
I've realized that as much as other people tell me the food is good in the cafeteria the food really sucks. I mean it tastes horrible. Today, I had a salad hoping it would be okay just having something simple. It tasted old. The lettuce was gross.
I know right now I'm seriously rambling but I can't help it. I'm bored, when I'm bored I ramble, it's just the way I am. Kevin (my amazing fiancé if you don't know who he is) went to the store and left his phone at home to charge. So I'm left missing him and being bored. He is my only source of unboredom. I know that isn't a word but it is now. Hmm, I think I may just go to class now. I don't want to be late. That would suck.
I was late to my English class last Thursday and it was retarded because I was only in class for 30 minutes because Dr. Khochmeister (pronounced cock-my-ster XD) had a doctors appointment! So yes, to keep from feeling retarded again because of Murphy's Law, I'm going to be in my Bio class on time, if not early. =)
Posted by Pandora at 1:20 PM 0 comments
I Want My Innocence Back!
Monday, September 1, 2008
"And if you can't give it to me
I will cut you down
And I will run you through
With the dagger you sharpened
On my body and soul
Before you slit me in two
And then devoured me whole"
Just because someone starts suddenly acting nice doesn't take back all those years of suffering.
A few of you that may read this know whom I'm speaking of when I list the lyrics to that song. If you don't well, you can probably infer from what I write in the next few paragraphs.
Anyway, this person suddenly cares whether or not he hurts me when he shows up to places he shouldn't be. He suddenly wants to apologize for tearing me up inside when he came around to parties.
I've tried forgiving him, I truly have. I even thought I had forgiven him then one day I was at a birthday party, I hadn't even walked in the door and I heard his voice... I had to leave immediately because of the hate, anger and rage that came from within me. Needless to say, that wasn't the last time he did that.
I still have awful memories of him. I sometimes cry at night when I think about what happened. I still sometimes have flashbacks that kill me inside. My boyfriend is the only one that knows that, well you do too now. You would think after all these years of counseling I would have let the hate and anger go. I haven't, I still imagine horrible ways of killing him and torturing him.
Yes, that may be wrong but I can't help that he fucked up my head that much. Don't blame me, blame him for fucking up my world, taking away my innocence, making me lose my childhood.
And then the other night he has the AUDACITY to talk to my sister and tell her that he wants to prevent the showing up at parties and such from happening again. As if that's supposed to help??
It's a good thing I left the party early. Even though our parents had already arranged a time for when I'd be there, then leave and then he'd show up afterwards..
Anyway, I left early because his younger sister showed up. She walked right past me not even saying hi, but instead giving me the dirtiest nastiest look ever. I know she blames me for everything that happened.
I had to explain to my cousin (it was his birthday party) that I was leaving early because of her. I didn't go into details but I said we had "issues" with each other. I later found out that her "best friend" that she went to the party with is actually her girlfriend. [A quick edit, that is just some gossip I heard, it may not actually be true that the girl is her girlfriend] That made me LOL... It seems typical of her. But, I shouldn't judge her.
I sometimes I wish I could take everything back. I wish I would have never talked about and just continued to suffer. That way I wouldn't have torn apart my family, making some feel for me and some resent me. I know that besides myself, everyone would be happier...
I know that this is a sad kind of post. I'm sorry if you weren't expecting that when you started reading this.
Posted by Pandora at 10:57 AM 0 comments
Happy Joy Joy!
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
This post will be kind of short to begin with but I'll gradually add more to this. Some of you readers (I say some but I know I really only have one consistent reader but he doesn't even read this anymore either) are probably wondering why I don't post so much anymore. WEEEEELLLLLLL, I'm preoccupied with the love of my life. Yes, this a love a rant.
He stayed with me for three weeks in June. Those three weeks were the happiest three weeks of my entire life. He was living in my house with me so it was even more amazing. We spent every waking moment together. I never imagined in all my life I'd find someone as amazing as him.
I honestly thought I'd have to settle with someone I really didn't want. As horrible as that sounds, it's the truth. Most of my relationships have been terrible. I've been with guys that cheated on me, lied to me, and emotionally abused me. I'm glad that I'll never had to deal with that again.
Well, I'm heading back to bed. I'll finish this later.
Posted by Pandora at 8:32 AM 0 comments
I'm Such a Hypocrite.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
A few months ago I posted a blog pretty much blasting Facebook. I thought it was stupid and a waste of time.
I can't get enough of it. I've finally figured it out. But now that I've finally figured it out, they go and revamp the entire interface!! This "New" Facebook is even worse than the original! Everything is cluttered and hard to find.
It really sucks for the people like myself, that had just figured out the other Facebook. Thankfully on the new version there's an option to revert to the old Facebook.
I only switch back when there's something I can't locate. Which is pretty much every few minutes. This is going to be hard to get used to, especially considering I'm a girl that HATES change.
All my once favorite sites are changing their interfaces. First it was MySpace. Then it was VampireFreaks. Now it's Facebook. They better not change myYearbook or I'm going on a rampage. Every website that has changed their look has made it worse.
So my advice is: CHANGE IS EVIL! ...sorta like Obama bin Laden? Oops, I meant Osama.. Or did I?
COMING SOON TO THIS BLOG!!: Barack Obama is a terrorist in disguise..
Posted by Pandora at 6:01 PM 0 comments
Is Cutting a Growing "Fad"?
Thursday, July 31, 2008
Since I was 14 years old I've struggled with the problem of cutting myself. Just yesterday I realized why I did it. I cut myself to punish myself, I felt that I deserved to hurt. It took 4 years for me to get this sudden revelation.
Last night I cut myself really badly. I hadn't done it in so long. I had been proud of myself because I thought I was over it. I called my boyfriend, I was crying because I couldn't stop bleeding. I scared myself, I've ALWAYS been able to stop the bleeding. (I eventually did stop) I started to think, "why am I doing this to myself? I know I'm a smart girl. Why do I have to be so impulsive and do this instead of seeking help?" Thinking about it further this morning I realized, I really started this because my friends were doing it.
In 8th grade I was going through a tough time. I was finally coming to terms with the fact that 6 or 7 years of my life had been destroyed due to a family member who sexually abused me. ( Although I had already started trying to kill myself when I was 12. )
In 7th grade I read a book called, "Cut". It was a book about a girl who becomes addicted to cutting and ends up in a mental hospital. I read that book and thought, "wow that's fucked up. I'm never going to do that."
I can't really say that I started cutting because of peer pressure. My friends didn't tell me to do it. I just knew they did it, and I thought, why the hell not?
This really does seem to be a growing trend. I see much of the teen population turning "emo" because it's cool. (I'm not saying it's just these kids and I'm not saying this "emo" thing is to blame) It seems like, among them it's cool to be depressed and it's cool to cut yourself. I've seen kids' MySpaces with pictures of them cutting themselves with blood dripping down the wrists. It kills me inside because I know they're only doing it because their friends are doing it too.
I can't judge them, how do I know they aren't really going through a tough time? I'm not giving excuses for them to cut themselves, but I really don't know that. But if you're showing off cutting yourself online, are you really hurting? Or are you just doing it to be cool?
To me this is an insult. I really struggled with this. I was hospitalized 3 times for suicidal tendencies. And seeing these kids showing off like that, just because it's cool hurts.
I wish these kids knew what they are doing to the people around them. They aren't just hurting themselves, they're hurting their loved ones too. Something has to be done to stop this. I don't know what needs to be done. But my generation needs a wake up call. Cutting yourself doesn't make you cool. It doesn't really take away whatever pain you happen to be feeling. It does nothing for you but makes things worse. They need to wake up and seek help.
I think that's all I have on this for now.
Posted by Pandora at 11:46 AM 0 comments
SocialVibe
Friday, July 4, 2008
I found this site today. It's called SocialVibe.com. With this site you can do amazing things. All you have to do is sign up, then you get pick out a charity. (There are only a handful of them so choose wisely) The charity you pick out, you actually get to help raise money for it, just by posting a "badge" on your favorite social networking sites. Once you pick your charity, you're taken to a page in which you pick out your sponsor.
I signed up, I'm supporting the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society and Adobe, the software giant, is sponsoring me. From just signing up I've already raised more than $2000! It's crazy! I'm really excited about this. You should join too.
[I realized later that I, myself had not raised that much. That's how much everyone together on the site had helped raise. I also no longer have Adobe sponsoring me. My new sponsors are Hello Kitty and Converse]
Posted by Pandora at 7:47 PM 0 comments
Thank God I Didn't Have a Mental Breakdown
Thursday, May 8, 2008
I had been trying to think of something to write about all day. I couldn't seem to figure out what I wanted to write. There are so many topics in this world, why couldn't think of just one??
It occurred to me that I fried my brain because of all my studying and stressing this week. Aha! I've found my inspiration! I thought, "I'm gonna write about how lucky I am I didn't have a mental breakdown." And so begins my story...
Two words: Finals Week. The time most college students dread. I am lucky that I am still in high school (graduating in June) and I only was able to take 2 courses.
One of those courses, was an easy pass class. I went to class Tuesday, took the final and had some food. You're probably questioning the food part, my teacher thought it would be great if we had a potluck. It was great, a great end to a great class.
My second course, General Psychology. Dear God, this is why I almost had a mental breakdown. I was taking it as an online course, so as long as I took the e-Final by Friday I was in the clear. I studied hard, I made myself retake every practice test, every source I could get my hands on for the course.. I studied and reviewed it. I kept having to take breaks because my head would stop working, so I'd stop, nap, or play a video game.
I decided that I was ready to take my final yesterday. I swear to you, I almost had a panic attack, I was sorta hyperventilating, pacing back and forth. "God, did I study enough? I need to study more. No, wait... Maybe I studied too much! God, I don't want to blank out! Wait.. Did I really cover everything I needed to? Dammit!"
Those thoughts and more were rushing through my head a million miles per second. I was on my way to a mental breakdown.
This is where I say, Thank God for Parents! My dad could tell I was major-ly stressing. He told me to calm down, and I explained to him what was going on in my head. He told me to take a break.
That was all I needed. I took about a two hour break. I took the final and bam! I got a 90.
Posted by Pandora at 5:40 PM 1 comments
What's the Deal with Cinco de Mayo?
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
I've never figured out why it was such a big deal. I may be Hispanic but I've NEVER celebrated this day. People say the reason they celebrate it is because it's a celebration of Mexico's independence. Sorry to tell you guys, Mexico declared their independence from Spain on September 15, 1810.
So why do they celebrate this "glorious" day? Over here in Texas, I say it's just an excuse to party and get drunk off your ass. That is what most people do, not just Mexicans but all other races and ethnicities, it's really funny.
If anything I've said so far is somewhat humorous, you should check out this link. Cinco History This site makes me laugh so hard it hurts. Because of things like this,
"The 5th of May is not Mexican Independence Day, but it should be! And Cinco de Mayo is not an American holiday, but it should be. Mexico declared its independence from mother Spain on midnight, the 15th of September, 1810. And it took 11 years before the first Spanish soldiers were told and forced to leave Mexico.
So, why Cinco de Mayo? And why should Americans savor this day as well? Because 4,000 Mexican soldiers smashed the French and traitor Mexican army of 8,000 at Puebla, Mexico, 100 miles east of Mexico City on the morning of May 5, 1862
...Mexicans, you see, never forget who their friends are, and neither do Americans. That's why Cinco de Mayo is such a party -- A party that celebrates freedom and liberty. There are two ideals which Mexicans and Americans have fought shoulder to shoulder to protect, ever since the 5th of May, 1862. VIVA! el CINCO DE MAYO!!"
Maybe it's wrong for me to say this makes me giggle, but come on. Seriously people, Cinco de Mayo is bigger in the US because why? People love having an excuse to get drunk and party.
Posted by Pandora at 11:24 AM 0 comments
The People at Google Are Racist.
Friday, May 2, 2008
Well, I was looking over my blog today and I came upon this.
This kinda offended me. Look closely at the Google Ad. You may or may not know, I am "Latina" or Hispanic, of Mexican descent, so this is a bit offensive to me.
I installed the Google AdSense application on this blog to help me make money. A Google crawler is supposed to "crawl" my page and then place a "relevant" advertisement on my blog. How in the hell is a "Pretty Mexican Bride" in ANY WAY relevant to my blog? Other than, I'm Hispanic and these people think it's funny to be racist. Well, ethnicist is probably a better word.. anyway.. this irked the hell out of me.
You would think out of the MANY advertisers on the Google network, they could come up with something better than this. This AdSense stuff isn't even making me any money anyway since no one is clicking on the Google Ads, but that's a different rant for a different time.
Posted by Pandora at 3:33 PM 0 comments
Why Facebook Sucks
Friday, April 25, 2008
I am seriously aggravated by Facebook. It is a stupid site, and I don't understand why it's so popular. Here is why Facebook sucks:
- The biggest problem I have with it is that you cannot customize your page whatsoever. Facebook profiles are visually unappealing. You can't put layouts on them to make them look better.
- The site is hard to navigate. I seriously have no idea what I'm doing. So many links to everything.
- You can only view people's profiles if you send them a message or are in their network. It's so freaking confusing.
- The apps you can put on it, make the profiles look so ugly and cluttered.
Posted by Pandora at 2:02 PM 0 comments
Nirvana Was NOT and Still is NOT a Good Band
Saturday, April 19, 2008
This might piss a few people off but... what's the big deal with Nirvana? Why do so many young people think that they are fantastically great?
Most of the younger people that listen to them only listen to them because their friends tell them they're great. Those friends really only think Nirvana is cool because Kurt Cobain killed himself. It is a simple truth. Same goes for SOME (I stress SOME) of the people that like Sublime.
I've questioned a few that like Nirvana. I asked a friend that liked Nirvana if he liked Pearl Jam, he told me no. This came as no shock. It just shows he was following the trend of liking Nirvana. Why do I say this? Nirvana started AFTER Pearl Jam. Nirvana sounds no different than any of the other grunge bands that came out of Seattle.
When you ask some of Nirvana's young fans who were born AFTER the grunge movement they will tell you that they don't like Pearl Jam and other grunge bands, yet they WORSHIP Nirvana. This makes no sense. It really blows my mind. I'm not trying to preach the whole "don't follow mainstream" thing. But come on! If you're gonna like Nirvana, you have to like one or two other grunge fans or you're just a fan because Cobain killed himself.
Post mortem popularity. Now isn't that a bit morbid?
Posted by Pandora at 12:30 PM 0 comments
The Internets Is No Place for Sarcasm!
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Have you ever said something sarcastic while IMing a friend only to have them get pissed off at you? This happens to me too often. It's something I still haven't learned. Sarcasm doesn't work in cyberspace.
Even in everyday conversation I get in trouble because people never know when I'm being sarcastic or serious. It's a problem that I'm trying to work on. I know for sure that I change the tone of my voice when I say something sarcastic but still, no one can tell.
Back to the point! How can we resolve this? Friends tell me to not be sarcastic online and that will solve my problems. My problem with that is, I CAN'T! I'm naturally a very very sarcastic person. It's just like saying to someone with asthma, "just stop breathing and it will solve your problems!" And that's just ridiculous.
I say, everyone complain enough so there's a sarcasm button like there is a bold, italics and underline option. If enough people complain I think there will be something done about it. So go out there! Whine and complain! Hopefully that'll help me from saying online before I'm sarcastic, "I'm just being sarcastic but [insert sarcasm here]." It's annoying.
Posted by Pandora at 9:23 AM 0 comments
Introducing..... Pandora!
Monday, April 14, 2008
Wow, my first post. I'm kind of excited about this. (I realize I seem like a loser saying that) I'm new to this whole blogging thing. So, if I write something that makes no sense feel free to comment.
To the point of the blog, there is no real point for me writing this. Part of me wanted to start this up because I am a VERY opinionated person. I have strong opinions on many things, from the influence of Hollywood on the American people, government, politics, to music. If you read this often you will find random thoughts and also editorial type things on here. It all just depends on my mood.
I hope you enjoy.
Posted by Pandora at 4:20 PM 0 comments