Since I was 14 years old I've struggled with the problem of cutting myself. Just yesterday I realized why I did it. I cut myself to punish myself, I felt that I deserved to hurt. It took 4 years for me to get this sudden revelation.
Last night I cut myself really badly. I hadn't done it in so long. I had been proud of myself because I thought I was over it. I called my boyfriend, I was crying because I couldn't stop bleeding. I scared myself, I've ALWAYS been able to stop the bleeding. (I eventually did stop) I started to think, "why am I doing this to myself? I know I'm a smart girl. Why do I have to be so impulsive and do this instead of seeking help?" Thinking about it further this morning I realized, I really started this because my friends were doing it.
In 8th grade I was going through a tough time. I was finally coming to terms with the fact that 6 or 7 years of my life had been destroyed due to a family member who sexually abused me. ( Although I had already started trying to kill myself when I was 12. )
In 7th grade I read a book called, "Cut". It was a book about a girl who becomes addicted to cutting and ends up in a mental hospital. I read that book and thought, "wow that's fucked up. I'm never going to do that."
I can't really say that I started cutting because of peer pressure. My friends didn't tell me to do it. I just knew they did it, and I thought, why the hell not?
This really does seem to be a growing trend. I see much of the teen population turning "emo" because it's cool. (I'm not saying it's just these kids and I'm not saying this "emo" thing is to blame) It seems like, among them it's cool to be depressed and it's cool to cut yourself. I've seen kids' MySpaces with pictures of them cutting themselves with blood dripping down the wrists. It kills me inside because I know they're only doing it because their friends are doing it too.
I can't judge them, how do I know they aren't really going through a tough time? I'm not giving excuses for them to cut themselves, but I really don't know that. But if you're showing off cutting yourself online, are you really hurting? Or are you just doing it to be cool?
To me this is an insult. I really struggled with this. I was hospitalized 3 times for suicidal tendencies. And seeing these kids showing off like that, just because it's cool hurts.
I wish these kids knew what they are doing to the people around them. They aren't just hurting themselves, they're hurting their loved ones too. Something has to be done to stop this. I don't know what needs to be done. But my generation needs a wake up call. Cutting yourself doesn't make you cool. It doesn't really take away whatever pain you happen to be feeling. It does nothing for you but makes things worse. They need to wake up and seek help.
I think that's all I have on this for now.
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