"And if you can't give it to me
I will cut you down
And I will run you through
With the dagger you sharpened
On my body and soul
Before you slit me in two
And then devoured me whole"
Just because someone starts suddenly acting nice doesn't take back all those years of suffering.
A few of you that may read this know whom I'm speaking of when I list the lyrics to that song. If you don't well, you can probably infer from what I write in the next few paragraphs.
Anyway, this person suddenly cares whether or not he hurts me when he shows up to places he shouldn't be. He suddenly wants to apologize for tearing me up inside when he came around to parties.
I've tried forgiving him, I truly have. I even thought I had forgiven him then one day I was at a birthday party, I hadn't even walked in the door and I heard his voice... I had to leave immediately because of the hate, anger and rage that came from within me. Needless to say, that wasn't the last time he did that.
I still have awful memories of him. I sometimes cry at night when I think about what happened. I still sometimes have flashbacks that kill me inside. My boyfriend is the only one that knows that, well you do too now. You would think after all these years of counseling I would have let the hate and anger go. I haven't, I still imagine horrible ways of killing him and torturing him.
Yes, that may be wrong but I can't help that he fucked up my head that much. Don't blame me, blame him for fucking up my world, taking away my innocence, making me lose my childhood.
And then the other night he has the AUDACITY to talk to my sister and tell her that he wants to prevent the showing up at parties and such from happening again. As if that's supposed to help??
It's a good thing I left the party early. Even though our parents had already arranged a time for when I'd be there, then leave and then he'd show up afterwards..
Anyway, I left early because his younger sister showed up. She walked right past me not even saying hi, but instead giving me the dirtiest nastiest look ever. I know she blames me for everything that happened.
I had to explain to my cousin (it was his birthday party) that I was leaving early because of her. I didn't go into details but I said we had "issues" with each other. I later found out that her "best friend" that she went to the party with is actually her girlfriend. [A quick edit, that is just some gossip I heard, it may not actually be true that the girl is her girlfriend] That made me LOL... It seems typical of her. But, I shouldn't judge her.
I sometimes I wish I could take everything back. I wish I would have never talked about and just continued to suffer. That way I wouldn't have torn apart my family, making some feel for me and some resent me. I know that besides myself, everyone would be happier...
I know that this is a sad kind of post. I'm sorry if you weren't expecting that when you started reading this.
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